Articles

17 Jul 2010

Dealing with emotions - a forum review

CEDR's June sixteenth event offered a mediator's forum for dealing with emotions. Although the forum did in fact lay out simple and approach about how to handle emotions during mediation, it did far more. It was an intuitive session for mediators, led by knowledgeable CEDR mediators Isabel Phillips and Ranse Howell, about how to effectively manage emotions within a mediational context. What really made the forum worthwhile for the younger mediator such as myself, as well as the experienced mediator, was the fact that hosts emphasized the internal and external conversations that both mediators and the parties have concurrently in response to conversational stimuli. This is reflected in the three-step approach that was presented on how to deal with emotions, as well as the exercises and role-playing during the forum.

Three Steps to Dealing with Emotions

1. Recognise the emotions of the other person and how those emotions can be indicative of the underlying issue (both behind the emotion, and perhaps even the conflict itself).

2. Respect what the other person is saying. Listen to, and translate what the person's words really mean. But, more importantly, simply respect that the other person has an emotional response.

3. Respond to the other person's emotions with deference and curiosity. When responding to them, ask why they feel the way they do and express your empathy for their feelings rather than responding based on your own emotions.

Emotional Engagement of the Mediator

What really struck me is realisation that you need to take into account your own emotional responses as mediator. The mediator should deal with his own emotional responses in conjunction with the other person's emotions. To be more specific, those present were instructed of the importance being aware that there are always at least 2 additional internal conversations.

The participants were given guidance on how to recognize and get past their own internal conversation and focus on the external conversation. Through exercises presented, we were given helpful instructions on how to manage our own emotions and focus on the external conversation through respect and curiosity rather than focusing on our own internal responses to what the other person was saying. Ranse and Isabel also explained how to control who you listen to at any given time, your own internal responses or what the other person is saying. It was particularly helpful that the Isabel and Ranse had us recognize the need to separate the internal and external conversations in order to focus on the external. They did this by putting on several skits of mediator-party interactions. Drawing from their personal experiences of mediating conflicts, they acted out the interactions, which made it that much easier for the younger mediator to visualize and comprehend the approaches.

Learn by doing

The exercises we participated in helped us to grasp how mediators should engage with the other party for the most productive interaction. In one exercise in particular, were asked to partner up and give opposing views regarding a controversial subject. It was constructive to realize that it is far more helpful to the progress of the conversation to and to ask why the other person feels the way they do, rather than allowing your own emotional response control the interaction. By responding with curiosity, the mediator is able to understand and validate the other person's feelings.

Everyone's Emotions

It would be an oversimplification to suggest that the takeaway from the forum is the three R's alone. The forum's real value to the younger mediator is being able to walk away with an understanding of the emotional engagement of the mediator with the parties. This really requires that the mediator acknowledge his own emotional responses within his internal dialog and react with deference and empathy towards the other party's emotions, regardless of their personal feelings about the matter.

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